The Music Stopped

Published excerpt from: ”Blood and Thunder: Musings on the Art of Medicine, 2009.

It’s now 2004 and it’s been a long haul since 1998. I’ve been working hard to change things for myself – lots has changed, lots hasn’t.  Life remains a struggle. I am getting tired of fighting, tired from fighting.

I am wandering around Safeway in a bit of a daze. I am looking for something, but I’m not quite sure what. These days, grocery shopping has become a metaphor for my life. 

I am spending an inordinate amount of time in Aisle 5, trying to decide what cereal to buy. None of my favourites are screaming out to me.  I wander back and forth, scanning my options. I find myself staring at a Corn Flakes box, wondering why they chose to put a rooster on it.  I guess it makes sense. I’ve been here a long time, but I have yet to make a decision. People are starting to think I take cereal a bit too seriously, so I head over to Aisle 6, empty-handed.

Epiphany #2: Making decisions has become so difficult because I no longer want, need or enjoy anything. Nothing appeals to me, so nothing is what I’m left with.